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The H-Files:
Real Stories of Success in Relationships & Love with Herpes
One of the most common questions and challenges facing people who get HSV is the issue
of discussing it with a potential partner. Many people who get HSV have successfully entered
relationships with both infected and non-infected partners, and by sharing strategies and successes,
we can assist ourselves and others to overcome this hurdle. The Hfiles Stories page is intended to
provide others with inspiration, encouragement, and specific communication strategies to make the
process easier by showing different answers to the question: How do I talk to a potential partner about
Herpes?
The HFiles stories are written and submitted by real people, describing how they approached the
subject with their loved ones. The stories have been presented "as-is," and not edited by us.
If you have a “telling” story of your own that can help to encourage and empower others,
please send it via email to hfiles ( at ) herpesite . Org and we’ll post it here for you. Please
indicate how you would like the story attributed, such as “Jim from Chicago,” etc. Thank you
for your contribution, we welcome your comments!
Talking About it, Telling People Helps - By Kathy
This is directed towards those struggling with herpes and dating. I have been one of you. I am female,
have had herpes for 9 years, and am to be married in 3 months. In 1988, about 2 weeks after I
contracted herpes, I sat in a church pew watching a close friend get married. My thoughts at the time
were this : because I have herpes I will never find a husband, I will never marry, I will always be alone.
Sounds grim, doesn't it?
Its been a long road since then. The biggest mistake I made (aside from unprotected sex), was
LETTING herpes define me and ruin me, for a while. I didn't tell my closest of friends for over 7 years.
Believe it or not, it took THIS message board {the Herpes Support Board on AOL} and a good man to
get me beyond that crap. A few suggestions I have for those struggling to tell a new partner about your
herpes: 1) Of course tell him/her prior to any sexual activity; 2) If you haven't told anyone (as I hadn't),
tell a few close friends. It will help you talk about it and make you feel normal when its no longer a big
secret. I was amazed by my friends reactions - no big deal! No shock or horror! :).
Okay, this is how I told my fiancee about my herpes. We were dating about 2 months. He was soooo
nice to me. The closer we got the more nervous I got about having to tell him. I had not been closely
involved with a guy for over 5 years! We kept going out on dates that ended up back at my apartment.
When things got physical I would always "toss" him out! He was starting to get frustrated. When I finally
knew that I really liked this guy I knew the time came to tell him. Like I said in earlier posts, I practiced
by telling my girlfriends. I just called them up and said I have to tell you this! It was wacko in a way, but
great. So he came over one night, I drank a glass of wine, sat him down, and started with "I have to tell
you something". And just told him.
He was a doll....he held my hand. My eyes tear right now when I think of it. He was so relieved - he
thought I was going to break it off with him. I immediately said he should take some time to think about
it and about us, that I had some information he could read. He said, whats to think about? He was
great. He did not himself have it, but seemed more informed than I thought, and certainly more
informed than I was when I got it. He did end up doing some research in the library on his own a few
days later. I'm glad he did.
We use condoms, still to this day. I am on zovirax daily, I have had 2 breakouts in the last 19 months. A
few times we did have sex w/out condoms, I admit. But that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. So
we stick to the condoms. We are keeping an open eye to the development of vaccines to prevent
herpes and are confident that eventually something will be on the market. My next hurdle will be
pregnancy and herpes, God willing.
Its true this definately weeds out people who probably wouldn't stick around in your life anyway. I
wanted to post my story here because it is true, but also I think that there are many, many positive and
happy people who have gotten herpes that just don't come here and post - and we need to hear these
stories too, not just the sad ones. Keep on smiling.
Kathy
A Positive Force for Growth - By Jennifer
I have a long and varied history with the herpes virus. I have had it since 1989, contracting it when I
was just 19 years old. At first, I thought all the typical thoughts. No one will want me. I can only date
other people with herpes. Sex will never be the same.
But then I educated myself. I got all the information I could and learned. The more I learned, the easier
herpes was to live with. In 1994, after marrying a man who also had the virus, I started a group called
Herpes Social Solutions to help others live with herpes. I ran that group for 2 years and then handed it
over to a gentleman name Lenny of Herpes Anonymous in Westbury, NY. I enjoyed it while I ran the
group, but the administrative duties became overwhelming.
I am now divorced from my first husband and living with a wonderful man who doesn't have herpes (at
least not that he is aware of.....new CDC numbers say up to 90% of those infected aren't aware). He
does not see it as a problem and accepts that it is possible he may contract it at some point in the
future. It doesn't worry or bother him...he sees how insignificant it is in my life, and says it will not
matter if he does contract it. We are very happy, and very much in love.
If anything, having herpes has made me grow. I have learned much about myself, and about people in
general. Instead of a negative, it has become a positive force in my life.
Jennifer
Trust - By Cathy M
Herpes has been a part of my life as a sexually active adult for so long, that I really can't even
remember what I was like before contracting it. It's been 14 years and I contracted it 6 months after I
lost my virginity. Talk about shock! At 18, I thought my life was over and I'd never get married or ever
have a normal dating relationship.
For a while, that was true. Throughout the rest of my college years, I was completely dysfunctional
inside but I dated a lot. I was miserable inside. I felt like a fake because I couldn' t tell anyone. Then I
dated a med student, and one night things got out of hand and we slept together. I was mortified. I
hadn't told him beforehand, and we didn't use condoms. I did tell him later because I wanted him to
know. He was so disappointed in me. "I'm a doctor. If you didn't think I would understand, who do you
think will?" Obviously we broke up immediately because there was no trust.
The point of this long story is just that. TRUST. It is absolutely essential in managing a life with herpes.
It's also difficult to master. You have to be willing to take the higher road all the time and always tell the
truth. You may not want to believe that herpes will make you a better person, but it will because you
have to be a better person in order to deal with people honestly ALL THE TIME. Give people a chance
to trust you and love you and you will be surprised and the quality of people you will find.
Since my epiphany about 'trust', I've been in three longer-term relationships (1 yr, 5 yrs, 2 yrs and
counting), each of which started out with a very nervous, sensitive conversation about the truth. The
responses were as follows:
"Hmmm. Okay. Well, I'm ready. Can we sex?"
"Wow. I'm glad! I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer!"
"I'm sorry. It's a strange world when angels are dangerous."
I've even been engaged, and our break-up had nothing to to with herpes. Trust me, just like any other
relationship, you will have to contend with normal relationship issues. Plenty of men have problems,
talking intimately, being romatic or cleaning up after themselves. Don't overreact by thinking that its his
ambivalence about herpes and dating you that makes him into a neanderthal.
I'm happy to say that I've had very good relationships with hard working, educated, decent, loving, very
handsome men. We broke up on good terms, still talk from time to time and I was the person who
ended the relationships. Don't lower your standards because you think no one will love you. Don't try
to figure out whether he's the man of your dreams on the first date either. By date #5 you may not like
him anymore. Give yourself the same chance to investigate and be curious that non- herpes people
give themselves. Marriage is not the main objective. Loving, trusting friendship with a good person is
the first step.
Accept the fact that some men (and women) will say "this isn't my cup of tea." Suck it up, be sad for a
day and then keep moving on. Some 90 percent of all Americans get married at some point. With the
herpes infection rates, that means that a whole bunch of married people have herpes, too.
Though I certainly recommend condoms (and other forms of birth control), none of my partners wanted
to use them after the first year of dating. None of them has ever become infected either. I recommend
using condoms unless your partner asks for a different arrangement. Don't ever mislead anyone into
thinking that the risk is the same or just a little bit extra just because you know your body rhythyms so
well. Prodrome will not give you enough warning to avoid sexual activity. It's sort of like a fire alarm --
by the time it goes off, the fire is already burning.
Last but not least, work on building a great life for yourself. Friends, family, hobbies, work, education,
travel, religion, whatever it takes. If you spend your time on worthwhile endeavours to enhance your
life and the lives of others, you will have much less time to feel lonely and sad. Nobody likes
desperate, clingy, terminally depressed people, herpes or no-herpes. An added bonus: men/women
you meet will find you interesting, stimulating and fun to be around, thus increasing the chances that
someone special will come into your life.
Cathy M
From Shame and Guilt to Acceptance and Love - By Katie
I contracted herpes during a very destructive, risky and experimental period sexually. I do not know the
name of the person that gave it to me, nor am I certain if it was the person I have in mind because I
know now that it can be spread despite condom use and many carry it but show no symptoms. At the
time, I remember feeling somewhat falsely empowered by my ability to walk away from a sexual
encounter without feeling attached emotionally – traits that I admired in countless men who could sleep
with a woman and just walk away. I only later realized doing it “like a boy” was much less than
empowering and in fact, quite destructive to my self-esteem and emotional health. Without emotional
intimacy honest open communication is somewhat difficult. I spread herpes to another partner despite
using a condom while still unaware that I had it. The news was initially devastating. I felt confused,
shocked, guilty, shameful…
Talking to others and being completely honest about what was going on really helped. Over half of
those I talked to had herpes or another std. Eventually I made peace with myself by realizing that
herpes is no different than contracting any other virus, including that which we all get like the stomach
flu. The guilt and shame I was feeling was only a result of the shared socio-cultural baggage around
sexuality and particularly for women, the taboo around promiscuity and disease. Although my initial
breakout was quite painful, I have since had maybe one outbreak in over two years and the symptoms
were so mild they hardly bothered me. I do eat a mostly plant based diet including lots of fresh fruit
and vegetables, water and coconut. Studies show coconut is a natural remedy against the herpes
virus. Lysine is another good natural healing supplement for herpes. I also drink very little alcohol –
alcohol and coffee both aggravate herpes by weakening the immune system and creating acidity in the
body. Although I wouldn’t recommend the type of reckless promiscuity that helped me to contract
genital herpes; I’d much rather address lessening the psychological burden by dispelling myths about
genital herpes than worry about the appropriateness of people’s sexual behaviors.
I have never had a problem in terms of dating or relationships, and when faced with the threat of my
herpes not a single man has turned down sex. I am currently in a long-term relationship during the
course of which my boyfriend did contract herpes from me. Although he may be a unique case,
because of my honesty he wasn’t hurt of resentful and in fact, neither did he seem to experience the
feelings of shame and guilt I did. Needless to say we are both happy, healthy, well-educated,
successful…living with genital herpes has ceased to bother either of us in a significant way.
Katie
Thanks to Kathy, Jennifer, Cathy M, and Katie for their stories! If you have a great
story about how you successfully told someone about HSV, please send it to us here
at HerpeSite, and we'll include it in a future edition of the page. To submit your story,
send us an email with the words H FILES STORY in the subject... and thanks for
helping to empower and support!
And please be sure to check out the HerpeSite.org pages on Relationships and Dating for
additional inspiration and resources to get back out there!
Real Stories of Success in Relationships & Love with Herpes
One of the most common questions and challenges facing people who get HSV is the issue
of discussing it with a potential partner. Many people who get HSV have successfully entered
relationships with both infected and non-infected partners, and by sharing strategies and successes,
we can assist ourselves and others to overcome this hurdle. The Hfiles Stories page is intended to
provide others with inspiration, encouragement, and specific communication strategies to make the
process easier by showing different answers to the question: How do I talk to a potential partner about
Herpes?
The HFiles stories are written and submitted by real people, describing how they approached the
subject with their loved ones. The stories have been presented "as-is," and not edited by us.
If you have a “telling” story of your own that can help to encourage and empower others,
please send it via email to hfiles ( at ) herpesite . Org and we’ll post it here for you. Please
indicate how you would like the story attributed, such as “Jim from Chicago,” etc. Thank you
for your contribution, we welcome your comments!
Talking About it, Telling People Helps - By Kathy
This is directed towards those struggling with herpes and dating. I have been one of you. I am female,
have had herpes for 9 years, and am to be married in 3 months. In 1988, about 2 weeks after I
contracted herpes, I sat in a church pew watching a close friend get married. My thoughts at the time
were this : because I have herpes I will never find a husband, I will never marry, I will always be alone.
Sounds grim, doesn't it?
Its been a long road since then. The biggest mistake I made (aside from unprotected sex), was
LETTING herpes define me and ruin me, for a while. I didn't tell my closest of friends for over 7 years.
Believe it or not, it took THIS message board {the Herpes Support Board on AOL} and a good man to
get me beyond that crap. A few suggestions I have for those struggling to tell a new partner about your
herpes: 1) Of course tell him/her prior to any sexual activity; 2) If you haven't told anyone (as I hadn't),
tell a few close friends. It will help you talk about it and make you feel normal when its no longer a big
secret. I was amazed by my friends reactions - no big deal! No shock or horror! :).
Okay, this is how I told my fiancee about my herpes. We were dating about 2 months. He was soooo
nice to me. The closer we got the more nervous I got about having to tell him. I had not been closely
involved with a guy for over 5 years! We kept going out on dates that ended up back at my apartment.
When things got physical I would always "toss" him out! He was starting to get frustrated. When I finally
knew that I really liked this guy I knew the time came to tell him. Like I said in earlier posts, I practiced
by telling my girlfriends. I just called them up and said I have to tell you this! It was wacko in a way, but
great. So he came over one night, I drank a glass of wine, sat him down, and started with "I have to tell
you something". And just told him.
He was a doll....he held my hand. My eyes tear right now when I think of it. He was so relieved - he
thought I was going to break it off with him. I immediately said he should take some time to think about
it and about us, that I had some information he could read. He said, whats to think about? He was
great. He did not himself have it, but seemed more informed than I thought, and certainly more
informed than I was when I got it. He did end up doing some research in the library on his own a few
days later. I'm glad he did.
We use condoms, still to this day. I am on zovirax daily, I have had 2 breakouts in the last 19 months. A
few times we did have sex w/out condoms, I admit. But that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. So
we stick to the condoms. We are keeping an open eye to the development of vaccines to prevent
herpes and are confident that eventually something will be on the market. My next hurdle will be
pregnancy and herpes, God willing.
Its true this definately weeds out people who probably wouldn't stick around in your life anyway. I
wanted to post my story here because it is true, but also I think that there are many, many positive and
happy people who have gotten herpes that just don't come here and post - and we need to hear these
stories too, not just the sad ones. Keep on smiling.
Kathy
A Positive Force for Growth - By Jennifer
I have a long and varied history with the herpes virus. I have had it since 1989, contracting it when I
was just 19 years old. At first, I thought all the typical thoughts. No one will want me. I can only date
other people with herpes. Sex will never be the same.
But then I educated myself. I got all the information I could and learned. The more I learned, the easier
herpes was to live with. In 1994, after marrying a man who also had the virus, I started a group called
Herpes Social Solutions to help others live with herpes. I ran that group for 2 years and then handed it
over to a gentleman name Lenny of Herpes Anonymous in Westbury, NY. I enjoyed it while I ran the
group, but the administrative duties became overwhelming.
I am now divorced from my first husband and living with a wonderful man who doesn't have herpes (at
least not that he is aware of.....new CDC numbers say up to 90% of those infected aren't aware). He
does not see it as a problem and accepts that it is possible he may contract it at some point in the
future. It doesn't worry or bother him...he sees how insignificant it is in my life, and says it will not
matter if he does contract it. We are very happy, and very much in love.
If anything, having herpes has made me grow. I have learned much about myself, and about people in
general. Instead of a negative, it has become a positive force in my life.
Jennifer
Trust - By Cathy M
Herpes has been a part of my life as a sexually active adult for so long, that I really can't even
remember what I was like before contracting it. It's been 14 years and I contracted it 6 months after I
lost my virginity. Talk about shock! At 18, I thought my life was over and I'd never get married or ever
have a normal dating relationship.
For a while, that was true. Throughout the rest of my college years, I was completely dysfunctional
inside but I dated a lot. I was miserable inside. I felt like a fake because I couldn' t tell anyone. Then I
dated a med student, and one night things got out of hand and we slept together. I was mortified. I
hadn't told him beforehand, and we didn't use condoms. I did tell him later because I wanted him to
know. He was so disappointed in me. "I'm a doctor. If you didn't think I would understand, who do you
think will?" Obviously we broke up immediately because there was no trust.
The point of this long story is just that. TRUST. It is absolutely essential in managing a life with herpes.
It's also difficult to master. You have to be willing to take the higher road all the time and always tell the
truth. You may not want to believe that herpes will make you a better person, but it will because you
have to be a better person in order to deal with people honestly ALL THE TIME. Give people a chance
to trust you and love you and you will be surprised and the quality of people you will find.
Since my epiphany about 'trust', I've been in three longer-term relationships (1 yr, 5 yrs, 2 yrs and
counting), each of which started out with a very nervous, sensitive conversation about the truth. The
responses were as follows:
"Hmmm. Okay. Well, I'm ready. Can we sex?"
"Wow. I'm glad! I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer!"
"I'm sorry. It's a strange world when angels are dangerous."
I've even been engaged, and our break-up had nothing to to with herpes. Trust me, just like any other
relationship, you will have to contend with normal relationship issues. Plenty of men have problems,
talking intimately, being romatic or cleaning up after themselves. Don't overreact by thinking that its his
ambivalence about herpes and dating you that makes him into a neanderthal.
I'm happy to say that I've had very good relationships with hard working, educated, decent, loving, very
handsome men. We broke up on good terms, still talk from time to time and I was the person who
ended the relationships. Don't lower your standards because you think no one will love you. Don't try
to figure out whether he's the man of your dreams on the first date either. By date #5 you may not like
him anymore. Give yourself the same chance to investigate and be curious that non- herpes people
give themselves. Marriage is not the main objective. Loving, trusting friendship with a good person is
the first step.
Accept the fact that some men (and women) will say "this isn't my cup of tea." Suck it up, be sad for a
day and then keep moving on. Some 90 percent of all Americans get married at some point. With the
herpes infection rates, that means that a whole bunch of married people have herpes, too.
Though I certainly recommend condoms (and other forms of birth control), none of my partners wanted
to use them after the first year of dating. None of them has ever become infected either. I recommend
using condoms unless your partner asks for a different arrangement. Don't ever mislead anyone into
thinking that the risk is the same or just a little bit extra just because you know your body rhythyms so
well. Prodrome will not give you enough warning to avoid sexual activity. It's sort of like a fire alarm --
by the time it goes off, the fire is already burning.
Last but not least, work on building a great life for yourself. Friends, family, hobbies, work, education,
travel, religion, whatever it takes. If you spend your time on worthwhile endeavours to enhance your
life and the lives of others, you will have much less time to feel lonely and sad. Nobody likes
desperate, clingy, terminally depressed people, herpes or no-herpes. An added bonus: men/women
you meet will find you interesting, stimulating and fun to be around, thus increasing the chances that
someone special will come into your life.
Cathy M
From Shame and Guilt to Acceptance and Love - By Katie
I contracted herpes during a very destructive, risky and experimental period sexually. I do not know the
name of the person that gave it to me, nor am I certain if it was the person I have in mind because I
know now that it can be spread despite condom use and many carry it but show no symptoms. At the
time, I remember feeling somewhat falsely empowered by my ability to walk away from a sexual
encounter without feeling attached emotionally – traits that I admired in countless men who could sleep
with a woman and just walk away. I only later realized doing it “like a boy” was much less than
empowering and in fact, quite destructive to my self-esteem and emotional health. Without emotional
intimacy honest open communication is somewhat difficult. I spread herpes to another partner despite
using a condom while still unaware that I had it. The news was initially devastating. I felt confused,
shocked, guilty, shameful…
Talking to others and being completely honest about what was going on really helped. Over half of
those I talked to had herpes or another std. Eventually I made peace with myself by realizing that
herpes is no different than contracting any other virus, including that which we all get like the stomach
flu. The guilt and shame I was feeling was only a result of the shared socio-cultural baggage around
sexuality and particularly for women, the taboo around promiscuity and disease. Although my initial
breakout was quite painful, I have since had maybe one outbreak in over two years and the symptoms
were so mild they hardly bothered me. I do eat a mostly plant based diet including lots of fresh fruit
and vegetables, water and coconut. Studies show coconut is a natural remedy against the herpes
virus. Lysine is another good natural healing supplement for herpes. I also drink very little alcohol –
alcohol and coffee both aggravate herpes by weakening the immune system and creating acidity in the
body. Although I wouldn’t recommend the type of reckless promiscuity that helped me to contract
genital herpes; I’d much rather address lessening the psychological burden by dispelling myths about
genital herpes than worry about the appropriateness of people’s sexual behaviors.
I have never had a problem in terms of dating or relationships, and when faced with the threat of my
herpes not a single man has turned down sex. I am currently in a long-term relationship during the
course of which my boyfriend did contract herpes from me. Although he may be a unique case,
because of my honesty he wasn’t hurt of resentful and in fact, neither did he seem to experience the
feelings of shame and guilt I did. Needless to say we are both happy, healthy, well-educated,
successful…living with genital herpes has ceased to bother either of us in a significant way.
Katie
Thanks to Kathy, Jennifer, Cathy M, and Katie for their stories! If you have a great
story about how you successfully told someone about HSV, please send it to us here
at HerpeSite, and we'll include it in a future edition of the page. To submit your story,
send us an email with the words H FILES STORY in the subject... and thanks for
helping to empower and support!
And please be sure to check out the HerpeSite.org pages on Relationships and Dating for
additional inspiration and resources to get back out there!
When it's time to consider dating, we recommend PositiveSingles! |
Many people prefer to start dating or be in a relationship with someone who already understands the Herpes situation. Find new friends and maybe Love at PositiveSingles! |
There's a lot more here at HerpeSite! Bookmark this page and click the topics below to continue: Questions, Comments, & Feedback contact: support (at) HerpeSite. org Over 3,000,000 Visitors since 1996! This Reference Copyright © 1996 … 2010 HerpeSite(tm) Privacy & No Spam Policy Disclaimer Copies may be made and distributed to anyone who may benefit, as long as there is no charge and the disclaimers remain intact. www. herpesite. org Originally a resource for the AOL Herpes Support Community at www.members.aol.com/herpesite/ |
HerpeSite.org is a non-commercial educational website established in 1994 by volunteers dedicated to provide accurate and accessible Herpes information, support, and hope. The ads & affiliate links placed on our site help to keep us going. Thanks for your support! |
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